


My R

by ShaytheVGA



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, I love everything, I love them so much, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Save them, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Sad, give them creds, i love my sons, if you look hard enough you'll see the refs to mushie's one, kinda treebros if you squint, my sad bois, nah jk i wanna die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-19 02:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14864717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShaytheVGA/pseuds/ShaytheVGA
Summary: Inspired by the song that is really popular with the Dear Evan Hansen fandom right now (in terms of fan works). A book version kinda. TRIGGER WARNINGS! Suicide, depression, self harm, and other problems alluded to. Please please please, stay safe guys and don't read this if you know it'll cause you problems.





	My R

**Author's Note:**

> Please, stay safe guys! Do not read if you are not comfortable with talk about suicide. Suicide isn't the answer, and if any of you know me, you'll know how hypocritical that sounds, but I swear that this is not the way. Please please PLEASE, if you ever feel this way, call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). I love all of you.
> 
> [ORIGINAL WORKS! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AOV2c0TiPpI, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ4cM0hYofc, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oiDU6zlsI4c, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7lc9EbU8BU]

_Just as I was about to take my shoes off_  
_On the roof top there I see_  
_A girl with braided hair here before me_  
_Despite myself, I go and scream  
_"Hey, don't do it please!"_ _

_____ _

_____ _

~~~

Evan was convinced that today was the day.

Evan opened up the door to the roof and took his shoes off, preparing to jump. But as he looked up, there was a girl with dreadlocks. 

Evan recognized her. Alana Beck.

It wasn’t Evan’s business as to why she was up there. He shouldn’t have cared about it. He was about to do the same thing.

And yet, despite himself, he cried out. He didn’t know what possessed him to do this.

_”Hey, don’t do it, **please**!”_

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he was shocked. Why had he said this? It’s not like he should care about her. She had her own problems.

If Evan was being honest, a part deep inside him was mad. Because she was up here, he missed his opportunity to do it today. Why was she even up here?

Evan walked to the railing next to her. “Why are you here, anyways?”

She sighed and looked up. “You've probably heard it all before. It’s a stereotypical reason, after all. I really thought that she might be the one. And we were so happy like that. But then she told me that she was done. Couldn’t handle a relationship with me, I guess. And she knew that if she went public with it, she would be harassed. Couldn’t handle any of that, so she broke up with me."

Evan froze. “For God's sake, please! Are you serious?! I just can't believe that for some stupid reason, you got here before me!” 

Alana stared at him. “I…”

“Are you upset cause you can't have what you wanted?” Evan shouted. “You're lucky that you've never gotten robbed of anything!” Evan’s voice broke and a quiet sob came out. “It’s just- it’s just a high school relationship. At least her leaving you won’t haunt you for the rest of your life. You’ll find someone else, this is a relationship that can easily be fixed.” 

Alana let out a sob. "I'm feeling better, thank you for listening. I won’t jump. Thank you."

The girl with dreadlocks then disappeared.

~~~

"Alright, today's the day!" Evan thought. And yet, after he took his shoes off, there was someone else up there.

A boy with glasses stood in the shadows. And despite himself, he went and screamed out for him. 

“Hey, please don’t do it. Let’s talk about it.”

The boy sighed. “What is there to talk about? It’s something you've heard before. Everyone ignores me, everyone steals my life from me. I don't fit in with anyone here." Evan knew that voice, even without seeing the boy. Jared. Who left him. Who was the one who _abandoned_ him. Who had the perfect, loving, family at home. The person who left him for better friends.

“For God's sake, please! Are you fucking serious right now? I just can't believe that for some stupid reason, you got here before me!”

Jared turned around again to see Evan. “Evan…?”

“Cause even so,” Evan let out a slight sob, “you're still loved by everyone at home! You have your mom and dad waiting there for you, and there's always dinner waiting on the table!”

Jared sighed and smiled. “It’s not like I was actually going to do it, tree fucker. Chill.”

Evan bit his lip and looked up at Jared.

"I'm hungry. I’m going home," he said as a tear formed in his eye. Evan decided not to mention it.

The boy in glasses then disappeared.

~~~

And like that, there was someone everyday. 

The girl with stars in her eyes. 

The mother who just was tired of everything. 

And he told each of them. That someday, someone was going to come running, and take them to a better place. And although life sucks, and life is terrible, and it seems like there is no escape, someone will save you. And you just need to hold on.

He was surprised that no one could see the lies in his tone. Who was he to say this when he didn’t believe any of it? Who was he to tell them not to do it?

And even though he had saved so many people, there was no one else who he could talk to about this. No one deserved the burden of having to hear all of his pain.

~~~

When he went up there again, Evan saw someone he didn’t expect to see.

Connor Murphy.

“Oh. It’s you.” Connor looked off at the distance. “You’re like me, aren’t you?” He turned around and leaned on the rail, sweatshirt not quite covering the wounds on his arms. “I just wanna stop the scars that grow every time that I go home. Whether I make them happen, or it’s their fault. Whether it hurts them, or whether it hurts me. It doesn’t matter. I just want to make all of their pain stop.” He smirked and made eye contact with Evan. "That's why I came up here instead," the broken boy finished. 

Evan stood there, unable to process this. “Wait…”

_”Whoa, wait a minute what did I just say?” Evan thought. “I couldn't care less either way! This isn’t my fault! It’s not my business!”_

And yet, in the moment, he said something that he didn’t mean to say. "Hey, don't do it, _please_."

_”What am I supposed to do!” Evan thought desperately. “I can’t stop him from doing this! For once I think I've bitten off more than I can chew! I can’t convince him with my lies this time!’_

“I understand more than anyone what you’re going through, and it hurts me! So please just go away so I can't see you! Your pitiful expression is just too much for me!” Evan crouched down into a ball as he sobbed. _can’t save can’t save can’t save can’t save_

"I guess today is just not my day," Connor finally said, breaking Evan out of his trance. “I’ll do it some other time. See you around, Hansen.”

He broke eye contact, stepped away from the edge, and then disappeared.

~~~

There was no one here this time. It was time for him to do it. It did make sense that eventually, there wouldn’t be anyone there. And yet, it still hurt. The only thing keeping him from giving up were these other people who he saved.

But the only person here this time was him and his thoughts. And no one could interfere with him anymore. No one was going to get in his way.”

He started thinking of all the people who he saved, until he freed himself.

Showing all of his broken scars.

Thinking of the relationships that he would leave unfixed.

Thinking of the lack of family and love in his life.

And so it was his time. Time for him to jump.

He stepped onto the railing, looking down onto the ground. He took a step forwards, preparing to fall.

_”Evan!!!”_


End file.
